Jonathan and I have been talking about this for more than a year and it's just heavy on my heart. We've been talking about friendships. It seems over the last year or two we've had a difficult time building strong relationships with other Christians. I feel like we were just beginning to build those relationships again in Charlotte before we moved, but it took A LONG time. It took less time to build strong, real relationships with people we didn't go to church with. Those friends were more willing to be honest with us about their lives. They were quick to tell us when things were not good, quick to tell us when they were fighting with their spouse, quick to tell us when their mother was sick, quick to tell us...well, everything. Why is this? Here's my theory: I think Christians are less willing to "lay it all out there". I think we are afraid of being judged by our peers, other Christians. Shouldn't this be the group we feel most safe with, not the most reserved? How do we change this? Or has this not been your experience? Thoughts?
Sunday, July 19, 2009
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3 comments:
Amen, sister! TOTALLY my experience with Christians, so my strategy is to be the one that is real & shows my insecurities & struggles (in appropriate settings, of course). But I loooooong to find other Christians who feel the same way, too.
This, too, has been our experience over the years. (I believe Pete warned Jonathan about it before you left Charlotte.) It's a huge disappointment when our 'Christian friends' fail us, but we've learned that when there's no one else, we can turn to each other (has built a strong marriage in us), but especially we have turned to the Lord. It doesn't mean that we'll never be lonely, but God becomes our all in all and the One on whom we wholly lean. We tried to instill that in our children, but I think that the Lord allows us to walk through this experience in order to teach us to wholly lean on Him for our daily comfort and strength.
The true friends we've had through the years, though few, are indeed those with whom we've opened up to and shared our inmost feelings and thoughts. We may not correspond much from time to time, but when we do, it's like one daughter told her mother, "You and Barbara just seem to pick up where you left off the last time you saw her five years ago!" That's the way it is with true friendships. All others are superficial and you'll find that they really don't care how you're doing if you ever see them again. We've gotten so we don't even tell some people about our children unless they ask because they aren't interested. They we just say 'they're fine' and unless they ask more questions, that's all they get because we know they don't want to hear.
We can't change others. Only God can. And it's only those who are deeply in His Word who will be able to have the insight to know that you are lonely, who will pray for you, and who will send you words of encouragement from time to time. Blessed are those precious few that the Lord has given us!
We pray every day for you and know what you're going through!
With love to you both,
Grammie
Nicole,
This has been our experience too. We have found it very difficult to build real relationships with people in the church. We have invited folks to dinner, had prayer meetings in our home, had numerous kids over to play and only developed 1 relationship within the church. It's a big reason we left. We felt so isolated, and with my health problems keeping me out of services a lot, it was just too much.
I think a lot of the problem may come from this "electronic" age we live in. It's so ez to email, or twitter, or blog, or whatever, that we tend to do that instead of meeting face to face. ( after all why call when you can email) And I do like email, it is a great tool!!
I think we are afraid of what others in the church think. I know when I allow myself to be vulnerable and nobody else does, I start to feel almost a sense of shame and embarrasment, which is the last thing I or any other christian should feel in the company of believers. But there it is.
Small group settings are supposed to be the answer, but I don't see that helping either. You cannot force people to open up and share, you have to develop relationships first, and that takes work, and prayer.
In the church we're attending now, the majority of the congregation is my parents age or older, there are only 7 kids Daniel and Sarah's age, 1 toddler, 3 teens, but the love and sharing and compassion among this congregation is unlike any I've ever seen.
Maybe it's this generation. Maybe not. But something has to change.
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